My husband and I watched a documentary last night on the 1%. That is the top 1% in wealth in the U.S. It was made by the grandson of the Johnson and Johnson founder. The film maker was taking an insider look at the disparity in America. He interviewed a granddaughter of Warren Buffet. Mr. [[Buffet after learning of his granddaughter's participation in the film wrote a letter to her disowning her. She said in response to this that people are motivated in life either by love or by fear. She saw her grandfather as being motivated primarily by fear. She seemed completely without fear of any kind herself when she spoke. She seemed open and honest and not critical in any way of her family. I did not hear her say anything that was negative or disparaging. She certainly said nothing for which disowning could be construed to be warranted. She opened her life to the camera. She lived a simple life in New York as an artist and nanny. She seemed happy and content with nothing to hide. She expressed hurt about her grandfather's wishes but not anger or fear. Most of the elite 1% in the film seemed by contrast angry and fearful or hopelessly out of touch. Certainly people in both rich and poor circumstances can either be angry and fearful or happy and content and at different times and circumstances act from different motivations. Yet it also seems to be true that one's overall current of life either can come from a place of love or of fear.
Have you ever heard the motivations of life put in such a meaningful and simple way, "Either you are motivated by love or by fear". The words repeat in my head. The statement is so simple that it seems self-evident. Perhaps I am displaying my own previous lack of insight. When I reflect on this I think about my own life's motivations. One year ago in January as I was contemplating suicide in a time of great stress and shame I realized that most of my life to that point had been about trying to gain acceptance and validation from others. But even attaining a respectable profession did not seem to fulfill the validation I needed. It's an elusive goal, validation. My most salient source of fear and shame in life is failure. Until recently I never failed at anything that I tried. I have been able to with few exceptions been able to achieve all that I wanted to achieve. I have the diplomas on the wall, but despite this success being judged and scrutinized is extremely anxiety provoking for me even more so than most other people with similar background and training that I have. Could this be because I am motivated by fear and not love?
I can test the idea with my imagination. I consider what is motivating me. For over six months I have been procrastinating project. I cannot get myself motivated to work on it. I always find something else to do. I feel stuck. I feel bad about myself for this laziness on my part and yet I have this inertia when it comes to this project. Will it help me to get over my procrastination to consciously scrutinize my underlying motivation? I never consider myself I procrastinator. My parents would both admit to being major procrastinators and perhaps there is a genetic component to it for me. But I'm always one to start the project early and have it done before the deadline. But if I think about my motivation for being so inclined it comes to mind that perhaps I am doing it all for the the fear of being seen as lazy, incompetent or dumb. When I began to send my nieces and nephews presents on their respective birthdays I was motivated by pure love. I would imagine them opening the present and their excitement and joy. I wanted them to know that I loved and cared for them, that they were special to me. It was not stressful to buy those gifts and send them because I love them so much. I wanted them to like the gift but I was not fearful or worried about it. Now that they are getting older especially my oldest nephew who is 13 years old I worry more about getting his gift because I am not sure if he will be excited or bored or disappointed. If I think of it that way I could be motivated by fear that he will not like me or will be mad at me. I notice when I think of it that many times when I am operating at my worst, when I am anxious, stressed out, and frazzled, my motivation is fear. For example, I'm afraid if I do it wrong or do not do enough people will talk badly about me or that my colleagues will not like me. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid of disapproval. I'm afraid of embarrasment. I'm afraid. I motivate myself a lot with fear. I imagine the disapproval of others and I believe that will motivate me to better performance. It disheartens me to think that my primary motivation in life has been coming from a place of fear. Fear that people would one day find out the truth that I am not as smart as they think I am or that I am somehow deeply flawed. I want to operate from a place of openness and love
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